Sunday, January 31, 2010


One of my favorite songs is by an artist named Janelle Monae. The song is upbeat and just an all out fun song. It focuses on letting go of daily stresses and letting go! This is something I don’t do enough of. I am constantly analyzing everything, sometimes I leave work and my body is ready to unwind. But mentally I cannot rest for some reason. I am always thinking about what things I’ve done, haven’t done yet and need to DO. Awhile back I was in a group counseling class where the topic of happiness came up. The topic for that day was about dealing with burnout and taking time to do things that make you happy. Initially it was an awful experience for me! Everyone had to discuss individually what makes them happy etc. Then my colleagues gave feedback and or criticism. (I equate criticism with rejection) As my turn came around, I realized I LiTeRalLy had no idea what made me HappY. My colleagues were shocked, and very critical. I can still hear one person saying “um she don’t know what makes her happy that’s terrible”. Among the voiced opinions in disbelief my professor saved me. Dr. G stated what I felt was very real, and very common. She challenged the others who said that they were happiest with certain people or doing “things”. What if those people weren’t a part of their lives or they suddenly couldn’t do those things? I didn’t feel so bad, but I did feel like my unhappiness was mistaken for me being unappreciative. But that was totally not the case. I was content with my life then and now. But was that really HaPpY? I am growing, but still try to find that balance. I find Joy in many things. So I said all this to say that this week I worked 2 jobs and went home refreshed and GENUINELY happy. This peace of mind had come about because: I have started praying before I go into my second job. Occasionally the day is a little stressful at job #1 and I do not wish to take my frustrations out on my kids @ job #2. As a counselor I want be neutral. Dr. Drew is my role model for non-verbals. My non-verbals can be off the charts, as much as I try to control them. I simply change my outlook and roll with the punches. It feels Great.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Self- Hate

Of course you've heard it before.. I've even told plenty of students this. People only talk about people to soothe their own insecurities. Ya ya blahh blahhh....The madness has got to stop. I can remember promptly uprooting from a predominately African-American neighborhood into one where I was the only black girl on the block. My neighbor was a year younger and Caucasian and he had a BOMB sandbox and tree house. So naturally I wanted to play. Oh sure I endured the ewww you talk white, you act white. I never understood, but as I get older I realize it is usually the small minded, sheltered environment people who subscribe to that form of thinking. I was simply adapting to my new digs! I had the same personality, we played together all the time so I took on his accent, just like I did in college with my southern roomates. I am the same person , just multifaceted.

Two of my favorite artists SOLANGE and Janelle Monae come to mind. Both have individual style and character. I'm sure they aren't running out to buy the latest trend. They appear to be non-conformist, well Solange used to conform..But I applaud her bucking the trend. But the is reality I don't have a nice chunk of change to fall back on. I'm like an singer with no sheet music choking on the notes , so I gotta CARRY MY BUTT TO WORK DAILY! And work requires that I conform at all costs.

i used to luv HYMN

Just ran across my not romanticising anything..
I remember I bought u that Drunken Monkey brand tee
Only b/c I saw it on jay-z…
Im not gon’ be writing no whole bunch of shit
Especially about you…whew!
You introduced m, no, .no seduced me on the Dwele album and
I romanced you on the ideals of Bilal..I was hoping we would find a way
Actually you found your way and I am so proud of you, yet I am still searching
Still growing ..sometimes shrinking, reminding myself that everything happens for a reason,
I once thought I was someone’s everything.. I don’t even know how to be that anymore
Doing whatever I want for me and only me isn’t working anymore, I wanna do things and come
home to a little smiling TWO smiling faces a big one and a little one…
ugh all this searching, maybe I’m using the wrong browser, my rose colored glasses are broken
repair is not my specialty and im too prideful to let just an ol’body fix them..